This is by far the most personal post I have written and probably the most private thing I have shared in general.
As most of you know, who follow my podcast, I had a really hard heartbreak almost three years ago. When I was going through that time I became hopeless, I spent three weeks loosing weight, crying, sleeping and laying on a couch. I felt like my heart had literally broken and I wouldn't find the light again. Gratefully I have a strength that runs through me(like most of us do) and right when I was 20 pounds down and one day away from completely giving up, I had a moment of clarity.
I had one clear minute one day. A moment where I felt no anxiety, no fear, no sadness. I recognized in that minute that I am still here. That although I felt as if my soul had left my body, it hadn't. She was still there, ready to be heard and ready to fight back. This was not the end, this was the beginning. We choose the moment when we can start fresh, I chose that one.
I started doing research on heartbreak, overwhelming sadness and a feeling of being totally lost when without my partner. After lots of meditating, research and reading self healing books, I came across something called CoDA(Codependents Anonymous). I was familiar with AA and NA, but had never heard of this. I did some looking into it and discovered I am codependent. Codependency is when a person ends up in relationships where there is dysfunction. It tends to be a one sided relationship where we rely on our partner for meeting all of our needs.
It is much more than all that, but there is a little summary. I starting understand how I did not know how to be in a healthy relationship with someone, or with myself. I started going to CoDA meetings, reading all of the books by Melody Beattie that I could find and seeing a therapist who specialized in it.
Making that discovery was the biggest blessing I could have had. I was able to take steps in healing. It was then my life became MINE. At that moment I took hold of life and made things happen, no more waiting around or hoping someone else will fix things.
I am now in the best place I have ever been. I also know how to be in a healthy relationship and most importantly, I have the strongest respect and love for myself. It can be exhausting to make working on yourself a daily practice, but it is beyond worth it. Loving and healing myself is now built into my routine and that will never change.